I saw a great quote today. It went  something like this: 

Love is blind; friends try not to notice.

I think there is some truth in that statement.

I just got my haircut tonight--it looks good. I'm happy with it. Right now the kittens are piled on my lap and purring like little motors. I love that. This is what the kittens looked like when I first got them at 8 weeks old. Now they're much bigger and are 4 months old!

My kittens have really been comic relief for me the past couple of weeks. Tonight especially. Scout, the orange and white little boy, has truly been acting like his namesake--always scouting out a new adventure. He knows when I put my sandals or shoes on, to meet me at the front door. He's very curious about what happens after the front door, though he doesn't seem to want to go outside. Whenever I leave my apartment, I call out, "See you later, kittens!" By that point, both of them are there in the foyer, watching me leave.

Scout's sister Olive has been cuddling with me most of the evening. She is such a pretty, delicate girl, yet she has the worst smelling gas I've ever known from any being--human or feline. Even though she's the runt, she also is very heavy-footed. When she lands on my lap it's like a bomb has landed there. Scout is quite agile when he lands in my lap. Olive is definitely NOT; she lands in my lap like a heavy rock, THUNK.  Her gas and heavy-footedness have been quite surprising to me, and quite comical too! :) I've been laughing about their quirks for 2 months now, and it's been so fun and a total release for me. 

I've been helping everyone else in my family the past couple of months that I've been avoiding taking care of my own issues b/c of lack of time...I'm looking forward to gettin' down and dirty with my own space to get it up to speed tomorrow morning.

My niece was born today. She is absolutely gorgeous! As I was holding her, I marveled at how much she looks like my sister. She has the same little nose, thick dark brown hair, and face structure as my beloved sister. And perhaps the same ears, though the jury is still out on that. My sister's husband captured a picture of my niece Addison that shows her crying in the heated baby bed--looks just like a pic of my sister when she was around the same age, crying. Her skin is a very healthy pink, which somehow makes her even more endearing; she was like a hot little ember from a cozy fire snuggling in my arms when I held her. About 15 minutes after she was born, she started moving her pink heart-shaped lips like she was exercising them toward the warm body who was holding her, mouth wide open like a chick waiting for her mother to deposit food. She ate twice in an hour, and then again 40 minutes later. 

As I left the hospital tonight, I realized something: babies make everything seem better. The sky was brighter. The hot temperature seemed more manageable. The slow car in front of me as I was exiting the parking ramp was a-okay, even though my car's gas tank was dangerously on E. All colors were more vivid than when I raced into the hospital only a few hours earlier. Life is good--I'm so thankful for this beautiful new addition to my family.

I just read an article from the Guardian about how almost 20 publishers in the UK rejected the works of Jane Austen, minorly adapted, according to the article. The article indicated that only one publisher pointed out that the researcher was submitting proposals for works already published (by Jane Austen). 

Um. 

How to  explain something so entwined in things you can't explain unless you really live it?

The article fails to site and really go into what's going on. This is why I despised journalism, because I always felt like I never really understood what was going on, really, when I was a journalist. Seriously, to get to the true, real story, you really have to walk in someone's shoes, to really live it and understand it.

In my opinion, it's considered rude to call a potential author's "work" or "book proposal" a direct rip-off of another author's work--whether alive or dead. As an editor, I see direct rip-offs all the time. I reject them because they've already been done. It's just something you expect; it's a cliche. Saying in a letter that someone's work is a direct rip-off of X, Y, or Z's work is considered rude. I don't know how to explain it. To just be honest, in the book world, if your proposal is not fresh or enticing in some way (even if you simply pick up most of the text in a certain book) to the contemporary book-buying, market-savvy consumer, you don't have a marketable book. You're not going to meet your bench-marks, and you're not going to reach the consumer. If you can't reach the consumer, your business is screwed.

Another qualm the article stated was that in the "Harry Potter age," classics such as written by Jane Austen would be rejected. Hell yeah they should be! She wrote in a different time, a different age, with different language and descriptors. Yes, her books are classics. Why do we need to find her an agent today? We don't! I've had many great mentors and professors, and they always say to learn from the classics, and make your own classics, cliches, quotations, etc. Simply re-submitting the same ideas and manuscripts are always going to get rejections. BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE. HELLO. It's not Harry Potter impeding on art, in my opinion. We are not experiencing the downfall of creativity or art in the creative writing world. 

As always, we are just emerging!

It's been a rough few weeks without Nala. I counted on him to help me wake up in the morning, as was his custom. He was hungry in the morning, and wanted me to feed him! I've been late to work many days since he was put to sleep. 

I just couldn't stand not having kitties around. So I'd been on the hunt to find the right match. Well I found these two kittens from the same litter--brother and sister--who needed to be adopted together. I named them Scout and Olive--they're 8 weeks old. Scout is a boy who is very adventurous and curious. He was the first to come out of the bathroom to explore my pad. He was also the first to warm up to me. Now, he follows me from room to room, just waiting to play and snuggle. He's orange and white.

Olive is a girl who took a couple days to feel comfortable here. At first, when taken away from my bathroom, she would start shaking and then race around until she could find her way back. But not anymore. She's mostly white with black olive-shaped markings on her fur (thus her name). She's quite timid and shy, and seems to be the runt of the litter. She doesn't like to be left alone in a room, and will mew until I come find her if I'm off doing something. Scout will mew until I call, and will come running when I answer him if he hasn't kept tabs on me. 

Ahhh it feels so much better here now that I have these two little kittens to take care of. They are so funny--they make me laugh my head off all the time.

I am so excited. I'm driving down to Nashville to visit a very good friend of mine to celebrate my 32nd birthday this weekend. I'm excited about many things, which are:
1. Getting away from my life for a few days.*
2. Spending time with my cousin, who I'm driving down with. We always laugh hysterically when we're together. We laugh about our moms (who are sisters) and generally just have the same senses of humor about pretty much everything.
3. Experiencing some real Southern hospitality, which I always love. Not to mention the cooking. YUM!
4. Being in TN. I just loooooove TN. If they didn't have ice storms or such sticky summers, I would move there. (Though the idea of being away from my family is too hard at this point in my life with my sister's son being 2 years old and with her due in July to have a girl. Maybe when they're more grown up, I will move away to TN or Chicago.)
5. Even though I love my cat so much, I'm going to have 5 nights away from his quirks. With other people, he's totally normal and doesn't act obnoxious. But with me, he's obnoxious. Sweet beyond words, but...obnoxious at times. 

*I spent yesterday morning in the emergency room for 5 hours, so I'm looking forward to my trip even more! I groggily woke up at 4 am with some fiery pain that just got worse around the area where they put my stent in. Around 5 am, I couldn't step on my right foot without falling to the floor. Most of the tests came back clear. Stent: clear. Infection: no. Kidney function: GREAT and healthy, according to the ER doc. But from the CT scan, they found a 3mm kidney stone sitting in my kidney (not sure what that means--is that big? small? normal?) and a lesion on my kidney. What in the heck does that mean? The ER doc said the lesion could have been from long ago. "What causes those?" I asked. He couldn't explain it without jargon, which I don't remember, other than, "Well, it could have been caused by the surgeries you had removing your left kidney..." WHAT? That was like 29 years ago. I had a CT scan of my kidney in the fall, and I don't remember my nephrologist or anyone else telling me about the lesion...or stone, for that matter. I'm waiting with baited breath to hear my nephrologist's report of what this means, and what I have to change (if there's even anything I CAN change). But in his opinion, none of this caused my issue in the ER. GRR this is so frustrating. It's so scary how little doctors ACTUALLY know. Where's Dr. Oz from Oprah when I need him?

I keep having this recurring nightmare. At the beginning of the dream, I am riding over a small bridge of some sort, with my maternal grampa, and some other elderly person who refuses to speak. We're going to Muskegon, MI, but nothing looks like Muskegon in this dream. We have to cross over a small creek to get to the place where our family migrated, to this little island. Suddenly we are over the bridge and on an island. The bridge is actually just made up of logs, and is very shaky. We keep going along the path (it feels like we're being drawn by horses).

Then I'm cast into a way different scenario. Suddenly, I'm in the Carribbean, and I need to hurry up and get out. A terrible storm is coming, and I need to get outta dodge. I know that I'm about to die.

And then, all of a sudden, I'm back in the first part of the dream, but neither my grampa nor the nonspeaking elderly person is there. But my sister IS there. She wants me to just have fun and go swimming with her. She doesn't understand the danger of staying. But I can't, because I have to cross the little bridge before it's too late. She doesn't want to go. When I finally go over the bridge, I find a hotel to spend the night. To get to the hotel, I have to go through a tube. I meet all these different dogs along the way. Some of them bite me. Some of them steer away from me. Some of them want to help me.

This is the dream I have had almost every night the past 3 weeks. WHAT in the hell? I am opening up my dream books to understand this...

I live next door to a park that has a couple of baseball diamonds. I just realized tonight as I sat down at my computer that the games have begun again for the summer. The sounds of cheering and the tings of bats hitting balls are like a relaxing, summery lullaby to me as I drift off to sleep...

I went to a goofy cooking seminar this evening with my sis and mom tonight. Sat with some lovely ladies who were equally as goofy as we are. Since we were so goofy, we each won an even goofier May is Egg Month potholder. How goofy is that??

These are the kinds of things I will focus on when I'm having bad health days and have to stay home. Or worse, go into work and have to deal with it and play it off like I'm totally fine. Not sure how much longer I can do that. My b/p has been all over the map the past couple of months. I can't get it under control--it just doesn't make sense to me. My neprhologist says it's normal, but it doesn't FEEL normal. I go from feeling very sluggish and can barely muster the energy to take a shower in the morning--to feeling angry and pissed off because my b/p is so high in a matter of about 45 minutes to an hour. Then I'll go for days or even a week and not have these side effects. I'm scared that it's only going to get worse. I'm scared that people won't understand and think I'm crazy or simply lazy. That's probably my biggest fear.

I wasn't brave enough to ask my nephrologist what to expect. I just had a feeling that she was going to say she didn't know. Renal stents are fairly new, and there's this study that's about to be released. She said they're wondering if they're even worth it. Nice. Again, I didn't have the balls to ask why it was questioned...but I think I know why. It all comes down to cost to the insurance companies versus life time saved, given my side effects.

It's difficult not to feel resentment toward people my age who have always been healthy and have barely even seen a hospital.

Again, think about the baseball diamonds next door and the goofy night I had tonight, when things get bad.

Yes, I'm talking myself off a ledge. Everyone has crappy things they have to deal with. I can't get hung up on my issues or I'll go nuts. I can only treat my body the best I can. If it's not enough, there's nothing I can do. Deal with what's been given to me and make the most of it. "That's life!!!"

My nephew is 2 years old--he is one of the major joys in my life! Every time he sees me, he runs to me and gives me a HUGE hug. I attribute this to the fact that I look very much like his mommy. When he was a baby, he seemed to think it was funny that my sis and I looked so much alike. He would often choose to go to me over anyone else if my sis wasn't around. We sound alike and look alike. Makes sense to me. PLUS I was there when my nephew was born. It's gotta mean something, right? :)

He used to call me "Cookie" because it resembled a nickname a friend's child had given me. But I'm not addressed by this nickname by most people in his life, so soon he seemed confused as to what to call me. My brother calls me "Krispy" and my sister had been calling me by the friend's child's nickname for me. Then my parents and brother-in-law would call me by my given name. The past couple of weeks, my sis and mom have called me by my given name, and made sure they said many times, "This is Kristen" when he asked "Who's that?" after showing excitement to see me. I don't blame him for being confused about what to call me. The poor child was confused--what do I call her?

Well after Sunday lunch yesterday, my nephew C looked at me for a few minutes (probably trying to formulate his own name for me) and called me "Chicken." He can say that word quite well. It rhymes with my given name after all. We all laughed hysterically, which then he busted out in hysterical laughter. Of course the laugh was what he was looking for. So now he talks about me all the time, wondering what "Chicken" is doing. "Where's Chicken?" he asks. "She's at work" or "She's at home," my sis says, depending on the time of day. "Oh, Chicken's at work" or "Oh, Chicken's at home," C says. Even though he has no idea what work is or what my home is like.

I find this even more funny because I am really a chicken in the figurative sense on many levels. I might be a woman who's focused on her career and driven on many levels, but man am I ever a chicken sometimes. Not a scaredy-cat, but a chicken. To hurt someone's feelings is the worst thing I could do. I try very hard NOT to hurt anyone's feelings in business, even to the point where I will hurt my own rep not to hurt someone else's feelings. I hate confrontation because I don't want to offend anyone or hurt their feelings or risk losing a friendship. I am a chicken! My 2-year-old nephew nailed it, and he doesn't even realize how perfect his name is for me...egads, from the mouths of babes...

Ugh! I'm the idiot who signed up for three days of free access to Ancestry.com. It's my own damn fault.

During all my waking hours for the past 3 days, I have been using all my spare time to research my ancestors. It's free, right, so why not? Well, some of my ancestors have turned out to be quite elusive.

Basically what I've churned up has led to even further questions about my ancestry. It's an absolute mess. I was hoping I could answer some questions.

Sigh.

Maybe the old adage should just be. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I swear, I'm living in a renal ward. My cat has been dealing with troubled kidneys for the past 2 1/2 years--just like me. He's 12 years old, and he is a fighter. I've been through lots of drama with him to get him to eat since then. For a short time, he would eat the (expensive) renal wet food from the vet, but soon he turned his little pink nose at it. I won't even go into all the options I put in front of him, in a desperate attempt to get him to eat. So after lots of drama, I switched over to feeding him a diet of primarily baby human food (the vet recommended it). He liked it very much for some time. The wheat gluten tragedy really put a kink in my feeding offerings to my kitty, unfortunately.

He wakes me up every morning like a little alarm clock. He's hungry! For the past year, he has meowed "Mom" at me at rude, ridiculous times, wanting to eat. For awhile, I humored him, arising at the ungodly hour of as early as 5 am to feed him, just to get some solace. I am indeed NOT a morning person!!!

Now I wonder if he is dealing with dementia or something. Today I worked at home. I needed to focus on a project I'm trying to finish up for work. He meowed all over the place while I was trying to focus FOR THREE HOURS STRAIGHT. Then he ran from room to room, meowing at various closed doors and closets, the kitchen pantry, the entertainment center--pawing on these various doors. I had never seen him do this before. Then he crashed, in an exhaustive state. He finally slept for 7 hours.

I'm left wondering if he's somehow remembering my Snoopy girl, who died from liver cancer just over a year ago. My Nala and Snoopy were so very close. They took naps together, ate together, etc. They bathed each other. They did everything together for almost 10 years straight. It was really hard on Nala when Snoopy went away.

Snoopy spent most of her last days in my walk-in closet, behind the couch or TV. Everywhere that Nala is meowing and pawing at now.

I'm told that cats don't have the capacity in their brains to remember much. But Nala has been trying to bathe my arms, eyebrows, and the hair on my head for the past year or so that he never did before. I think he misses the feline companionship he had for most of his life. I did try to bring in another cat to help him, but it was a nightmare. Lots of hissing and emotions.

I have great news for my body! My kidney is doing well, according to the BMP bloodwork taken last week. For the past few years, I had a creatinine level of 1.1 or higher, and it was escalating. Since I've been tracking it the past few months and had artery surgery, I've had results of 1.23 (back in February). Today I found out that last week, it was at .084. Great news for a gal who has had only one kidney for 28 years of her 31-year-old life. A normal woman my age with 2 kidneys would have normal creatinine levels of .5-1.1. A solitary kidney can be normal with levels up to 1.9. This is amazing! :) I have a healthy kidney. Ish.

Of course, there is the feeedback from the nephrologist that I'm dropping protein in my urine. This means that my one kidney is working overtime. While it's healthy now, it could be developing scar tissue, which is what my nephrologist thinks caused my renal artery blockage (as in scar tissue was squeezing my renal artery, not that I had platelette issues causing my blockage). This is what my cardiologist was trying to explain to me, even though he had no bedside manner so it totally confused me. My nephrologist wonders if my stent was worth it...according to her, there's a study about to be published about renal stents with my same issues. Since they're so new, They are wondering if it's worth it. "They" with a capital "T."

Anyway, my whole life, I've been like this wonder to doctors. I've been in studies up the wazoo. I'm enrolled in tons of childhood cancer studies around the country. And after all this?

All I want is to just have a body normal for my age. I don't want to be a model or famous. I am so envious of my sister, who has a toddler and is pregnant and married! She complains about her husband, but I can't imagine what that feels like. To be NORMAL. Doctors have always told me that since I had chemo and radiation around my abdomen, I won't be able to have children. Considering stuff, I can see it. And now it seems as though I'm going through early menopause. Boo hoo!

I refuse to get depressed. I refuse to give in to the "What-ifs". I refuse to cry to anyone but God.

SO! I'm just trying to be thankful for what I have, and embrace my family. I've never wanted to be a soccer mom. So I've got that. I am thankful for my job, my mom, my dad, my siblings, and my friends. They are all wonderful--especially my family. I refuse to let the fact the my cell phone broke in half this weekend overshadow the good in my life. (But I am getting a brand-new cell phone this coming Sunday! YAY!)

And if the scar tissue gets bigger in my kidney? I will have to deal with it. What other choice do I have? I am embracing it. It's a part of my body. I might need a kidney transplant. I might need to take crazy ass drugs. Who knows? Life is a journey. I'm following mine, and enjoying the scenery along the way.

The foundation was poured for my parents' house late last week. We spent some time on the lot over the weekend. The biggest problem spot atm is what to do about the space between the end of the 3rd stall garage and the next door neighbor's yard. My parents wanted a walk-out basement, so they couldn't dig as deep as a normal basement (the lot is on a lake--can't dig as deep, I guess). That means having to raise the first floor higher than the neighboring two houses' first floors. So they're buying dirt to pack around the foundation that is currently poking above the ground--by about 6 feet! It's going to look pretty weird in between these low-lying houses on each side--unless they can even out the land between the two neighbors' yards. Otherwise, there's going to be a strange hill surrounding the foundation that will look like the house up and grew by itself out of the ground.

My opinion is that they terrace the sides so the dirt doesn't run down into the neighboring yards. That would also support the garage and the foundation. Otherwise, the garage will start to fall along with the dirt. Fun.

When I walked down to the water, a few bass splashed around and zoomed away as I approached. Can't wait to drop my line in.

I can't sleep!

It's officially April Fool's Day, so I'm planning some shiz for my family.

Korny pranks...silly jokes...

I'm into it!

I have a messy apartment. I blame it on all sorts of things--I work a lot, I volunteer a lot. Those are both true. But I also, recently, have been lounging a lot. I could take a few hours a week more to put things in their places and clean things up. Therefore, I've come up with a plan.

I'm creating a chore chart for myself. Just until I can make certain chores habit. I have no problem doing the dishes before going to bed, or cleaning my bathroom every week. But I HATE vacuuming. Dusting I abhor. Filing old statements and paperwork are hell to me. I can't dump these chores on anyone else, so I have got to get them under control. So I'm working on a chart. When I complete the designated chores for the day, I can relax for the night, read, watch tv, whatever I want. But until then, there's no fun for me.

I have other things in store for me once I conquer this! I'm ready for the challenge.

I went in for a follow-up appointment today before I go in for my angiogram/angioplasty to be done next week. I spoke with all sorts of experts, and they seem to feel that my blockage is not from lifestyle, but from heredity and the fact that I have only one kidney. I also haven't been exercising like I should (until recently), so that plays a part. I'm taking responsibility for that. I have also taken it upon myself to follow a low-sodium diet.

I have to have a stent put into my renal artery. I always thought that people who had stents put into their bodies were about to have heart attacks or strokes and didn't care about their bodies, and I just really didn't understand what it meant to have a stent put in. I finally understand that.

I have too many goals and people who I love in my life to risk. I have had wake-up calls all over the place, and I am taking them. Thank God for the signs. I take them, and I'll respect them.

As I learn more and more about my condition, I'm realizing that my vegetarian/vegan lifestyle that I suddenly came upon about 9 years ago wasn't so quite off. My nephrologist said that limiting my protein intake will help my remaining kidney, so you better believe that's what I'm doing. I'm just trying to do what I can to keep my kidney as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

I've been working very hard to clear out the old, unhelpful parts of my life for the past 6 months or so. I'm ready to bring in new, positive influences! I've been excerising, limiting chocolate to only a couple times a week, cleaning out old files and clothes and hurtful memories. AHHHH what a breath of fresh air!